Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Please set your bible off my uterus.



I did not even finish reading this mess!

Look, wayyyy back in the day marriage consisted of the scrotum holder's father sending out a slave, probably a negro thanks to Noah, to the village of a distant relative for the sole purpose of procuring a wife for his son. Upon arrival, whichever uterine bearer got to the well first and offered the goggling stranger a drink of water and some for his camel was gathered off to meet the man she would marry. Upon arrival at future home, eyes would lock and the intended scrotum holder would whisk, the now betrothed uterine bearer away to his tent made of camel hide and proceed to awkwardly maneuver his penis into her vagina until he had successfully slayed the hymen. The said uterine bearer would never be referred to again unless she did something un-biblical like say I don't know, throw sheep's wool over the shoulder of her younger son so he could get his father's blessing, a blessing that was intended for her older Esau.

Fast forward to now, most fathers are either physically or emotionally absent meaning no one is sending out the negro, meaning no uterine bearer is at the well, in fact, a uterine bearer can't find the damn well since Haliburton done paved over the damn thing with the uterine bearer's taxes and erected a shopping mall instead. Since there is no well, all the camels are dead and the negro is riding a beat up 64 that the uterine bearer will not look at twice. Furthermore, upon arrival, the negro might want to mount the uterine bearer himself and thus defiling her, making her unworthy for the master's son. Meaning, the scrotum holder has to adjust to the uterine bearer absence by buying dolls with open mouths or memberships to naked lady sites, and the uterine bearer has to freeze her eggs coz she doesn't know when the tube of vaseline will run out so the scrotum holder can come out and fertilizer them. That is the reality of today.

So freeze them eggs uterine bearer coz the scrotum holder might have an extra tube of vaseline ready and waiting. And the only people allowed to comment on your decision are those who actively participated in your fruitless search to find a mate.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Revelation on The Book of Revelation

Holy Rollers often shake with orgasmic- opps- rapture like anticipation, while heathens piss their pants in fear at the mere mention of The Book of Revelation. All this in response to the content of this book which most perceive as a post-it on things to come and few as the doodling of a psychotic. But I have come to look at this book for an entirely new perspective. A perspective largely based on its placing in the bible.

When one reads, looks, browses or hears Biblical content one realizes pretty much after the Garden of Eden debacle, that Parental disappointment and offspring redemption are a foot. The Hebrews and/or mankind are doomed to spend the length of the remaining 65 3/4 books trying to make Dad proud of them/us again. This is clearly a case of art imitating life for anyone from a dysfunctional family where children are forever trying to win parental approval.

In the Bible, the Hebrews wade through the Red Sea after spending centuries as slaves in Egypt only to be smote on Mt. Sinai for worshipping a calf. They then proceed to wander aimlessly in the desert for forty years only to meet the Philistines en-route to the promised land. From Judges to Malachi it is an endless tale of destruction, battles, curses and divine disappointment. After years of just being human and failed attempts at quelling the daddy complex hope springs eternal with the New Testament Gospel's presentation of the great liberator, the Christ, who is swiftly crucified because of a misunderstanding of the Messiah’s job description. Off we head into the Acts of the Apostles where martyrs and massacres by deranged Cesar abound. Let me stop here and bust your Anti-Christ bubble with this fact: Based on the alphanumeric nature of ancient languages 666 is not numbers but letters to a name. And it spells the name Cesar Nero. So to all the Adolf Hitler or Ronald Regan or Barack Obama accusers, you are all wrong.

Moving on. So, we are created, we sin, some of us are smooted, the rest sent away to wander the desert where they are dispersed into the four corners of the wind, crying as they march from their ancestral homelands into a life of subjugation by the Romans, only to have their hope dashed when the much prophesied Messiah shows up and refuse to fight. He leaves behind some words of wisdom as he floats up in a cloud only to return long enough to blind one of their most dedicated persecutors who ends up being the most prolific of the bible Dos and Don’ts writers. And just so you do not forget the seriousness of the human fall laid out in the 65 books or the need for redemption or the importance of the Messiah’s sacrifice, the book ends with a warning -The Book Of Revelation aka "If you dare trivialize the importance of getting Daddy’s favor or the sacrifice of His son you will be eternally smote in a lake of burning lava, so GET TO GENUFLECTING!!!" {Genuflect – to lower one’s body briefly by bending one knee to the ground, typically in worship or as a sign of respect e.g. she genuflected and crossed herself. There is a double-entendre if I ever saw one. (Double-entendre – a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one which is usually risqué or indecent)}.

Why has no one ever asked this one question - Why is The Book of Revelation the last book? I mean, that is a seriously loaded question which opens up the veritable Pandora's box (not the planet in Avatar, that was a good place, a special place). If you look at if from that perspective you realize that the Book Of Revelation is not a period at the end of this longwinded sentence but a bold exclamation mark. Its contents scare you into believing everything you have just read and forces you to take the preceding pages VERY seriously. If you fail to see this, you fail to see the entire genius of this book. The placing of The Book of Revelation at the end of the bible is proof it is a collection of writings designed by man to control man because it plays on man’s psyche perfectly.

There is no difference between this book and say an African folktale or a threatening email chain. They all leave the profound, “if you don’t do this then this terrible thing will happen to you” consequential message for the end. If you do not accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and be in right standing with God the Father you will still have your clothes on at the rapture. Yes, you will not be one of the lucky, naked few floating past the earth’s exosphere with their particulars chilling (double entendre) in the wind. You, my dear, will be left behind to gnash your teeth and contend with the Anti-Christ for 100 years and if you succeed, Jesus just might recognize you at heaven’s gates. Of course if you are a Jehovah’s Witness you are buying into an even more confusing tale seeing as only 144,000 will make it into heaven. The remaining 6,856,000? They will be stroking baby lions in the new earth. I won’t even touch the Mormons. Coming to think of it, until the 1978 they wouldn’t have touched me either.