Sunday, December 12, 2010

Going Home - The Day Before

The question becomes...will Kenya have changed too much for me to feel at home or will I have changed too much to belong? We'll see. My the way, my folks don't know that I am going home so shhhh!!!

Going home to Kenya after 15 years!!!

A little exhausted from the shopping. A little pissed that I have to get gifts...not cheap, just HATE shopping. Anyway, tomorrow is the big day...

Friday, December 3, 2010

Clash Between Perversity and Mediocrity

I hate how my moral compass, dictated by societal codes of morality, struggles against my wild cravings and natural human inclinations. It is as if my mind with its unwavering bent towards logic is at odds with my heart's passionate beats.

How does one reconcile this struggle without hurting those one loves so irrationally? How does one pursue both forks in the road without splitting one's soul in half.

And what the fuck is the soul anyway?

Whores on Santa Monica Blvd.

Bank of America is like the whores on Santa Monica boulevard, there is one on every corner. Seriously, I have never seen a diseased thing prostitute itself like this institution.

In fact, it is an insult to compare whores, hookers, prostitutes, gigolos, gold diggers, call girls, porn stars, sluts and any one else who sells themselves for sex, to Bank of America. At least with the former you are receiving some sort of pleasure from the relationship albeit for a nominal fee.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Black Swan – Best Picture and Actress nomination? Not if I’m voting.

Black Swan is all the hype right now and I will admit to jumping onto that bandwagon with the agility of an African chimp, and snagging a screening pass from a friend. 41/2 hours later - coz that is how long my experience with the screening lasted - I walked out of the theater hungry and pissed (not the alcohol kind).

Basically Black Swan is a movie about a woman trapped in her little girl mind, her ballet slippers, bulimia and acute paranoid schizophrenia. Interesting concept when you think about it, right? And that is exactly my problem with this film, I was THINKING for 108 minutes. Which means, the film never drew me out of myself and into the story. I spent the whole time spectating, wondering, deducing but never experiencing.

Our heroine, Natalie Portman is flawless with her ballet pointes. But seriously, even Forrest Gump showed more emotional range and he was an idiot. Aronofsky presents us with a ballerina suffering from acute schizophrenia brought on by her unattainable desire to be perfect. And what does our character learn after a harrowing journey that fouette’s her into various forms of self-mutilation and severe paranoid schizophrenia? You mean, besides making a strong case for more mental health programs? Nina learns that she IS perfect? Character arc anyone?

There was a moment that would have made this movie great! That moment was the murder in the dressing room that inspired Nina's powerful performance as the Black Swan. If Aronofsky had allowed that moment to be real it would have been as powerful as the spinning top in Inception. Can you imagine, such beauty and perfection from ugliness? But alas, Aronofsky took that moment from us and dropped it into Nina's psychosis.

Was Black Swan a bad movie? No way! Darren Aronofsky is a genius and I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

Is it Oscar worthy? Go watch Inarritu’s Biutiful then ask yourself that question.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Los Angeles IS the city of angels.

I am tired of out-of-towners who come to LA for a visit and disrespect Angelenos.

First, fake people are EVERYWHERE in this world. At least here you can tell them apart by their boobs and lips, so count that as a blessing.

And second, if Angelenos having either a headshot, director's reel, spec script or capezio dance shoes on the ready annoys you, stop and think for a moment about where you are. THIS IS HOLLYWOOD - ENTERTAINMENT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD! Artists have to hustle for every gig or go hungry. And the tools of our trade are---please see above. If we were in Pittsburgh (50 years ago) everyone would have a plaid shirt and a hard hat. If we were in Miami everyone would have an STD and a six pack....hmmm or is that San Fernando Valley?

And finally, where can one find a gathering of people resilient enough to continue pursuing their dreams after multiple rejections? Los Angeles, California. This is the City of Angels not because some of the folks here are cute, but because Angelenos continue to dream and believe despite insurmountable odds.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

TV vs INTERNET: Which is more dangerous?

For those of you who believe that the internet, unlike the TV, is less dangerous, corrupt and the source of more accurate information, think about this - Network and Media moguls, though cunning are seldom stupid and rarely insane. But any mentally disturbed, paranoid-schizophrenic with an internet hook up can log onto a computer, spray the web with their clozapine and risperdal laced rants and call it truth.

Which do you think is a more dangerous source? The quiet voice that steals into the frontal lobe of a heavily medicated individual, or the calculated thoughts of a man who knows that feeding the public what it thinks it wants, gets him what he knows he wants?

What do you get from an arranged marriage?

For the full effect, go to:

Trust me, it will be worth it. Below is a sample of the hilarious dialogue you will encounter.

Husband: "The American women they using the mouth, you don't use the mouth. You refuse to use the mouth."

Wife: "Well, you don't use the mouth either...maybe the man are supposed to use the mouth. If you wanted to get some, you'd give some as well."

Husband: "20% of the time you are on the periodical anyway"

Wife: "100% of the time you are on the stupid." LOL

There is a lot concealed underneath the sari and apparently some Indian men are getting tired of it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


So, I head off to Target to get some flameless candles for my show and I stumble upon a copy of the ESSENCE magazine; the issue with Kerry Washington on the cover, possibly showcasing the fake Afro Wig atop her head, with the words “Race: Being Black in America” by Soledad O’Brien leaping off her airbrushed left cheek.

I don't know about you but I could feel the stench of frustration riding across the bridge of my nose, while apathy weaseled its way up my belly knocking the edge of my epiglottis. Why would anyone put an article about being Black in America on Essence? Because it carters to Black readers, would be your respond. And to that I say, for that very reason it should NOT be in Essence.

I mean, have Black folks suddenly forgotten their experiences that they need a reminder? Or, is Soledad going to provide us with some new information? I seriously doubt that. See, having this article in Essense is like preaching to a choir that has been preached the HECK out! Why not print it in Elle where they have a fondness for de-coloring Black people? (See image below). Or print it in Vogue where black models can barely get a job. Teach them some racial empathy.

Better yet, how about putting it in Fair Vanity…opps Vanity Fair (VF) who seem to forget that there are dark people in America. I believe we all remember VF saluting young Hollywood with a fair cover celebrating its vanity (see image below). These are the folks that need the education. These are the folks that need to appreciate the penny in the piggy bank.

The problem with this country is that opposing sides are not talking to each other, let alone listening. Everyone is preaching to their respective choir giving no thought to the hungry man on the street, much like the churches do - (hmmm...there is something to that comparison). FOX news has a completely conservative audience who will never be caught browsing While Bill Maher and Jon Stewart are flanked by liberals and progressives who make a mockery of Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck followers. The Left and Right see and hear only what confirms their own -ism. Progress will not come until both sides admit they HAVE been wrong.

And that will only be achieved by cross-pollinating information. The Left's ideas should be reviewed by the Right and vise versa. Simply put, if you don't know where your opponents stand on issues you can't have a dialogue, only an argument fraught with misinformation?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

2010: All Reproductive Organs Mutually Represented

Now, lets figure this one out together.

It is election season and all wackos are out! All reproductive organs mutually represented. Most of them are howling at the moon, some are chanting "government is incompetent, big and blotted" while running for public office.

If that is the case why shouldn't the voting public assume you, the candidate, are incompetent, big and blotted? After all you are running for a slot in government and if incompetent, big and blotted is the norm then it must inevitably be the prerequisite, no?

It must be because why would anyone spend millions of dollars to be part of an institution or organization they had little to no respect for unless they were incompetent? Wouldn't going postal be a more appropriate response?

Or maybe RESIGNING the moment one is declared the winner that way they get the point across while actually reducing the size of government AND our taxes coz that's one less person we have to pay?

Unless of course they are lying or insane or lying or unethical or yes, deceitful.

If you are going to lie your way into public office at least take the time to assume that some portion of the voting public is actually intelligent enough to sniff you out! That goes double for you, stiletto coalition. And we thought Palin was the only uterus we had to worry about. The Witch, The Gums, The Tomboy and the Wrestler are all walking in the footsteps of the Palin. Clearly the Hillary movement birthed no one.

Post Natal Depression

Fossil Fuel Dependency vs Green Living
Unregulated vs Regulated Capitalism
Exploitation vs Preservation
Debt Increase vs Common Sense
Imprisonment vs Legalization of Marijuana
War vs Peace
Repression vs Expression

It is safe to say our old ways are battling dementia and the new must take power before we are all swallowed up by this insanity.

Much like a deranged mother suffering from post natal depression unknowing hugs her baby a little too hard, a little too long until it is dead, these old ways will unknowingly choke the new ideas while in the crib until they are dead.

And there goes the next generation!

Who is sitting on your exit row?

When you get on a plane do you ever wonder who is sitting on the exit row? Folks, this is a very serious point to ponder. I mean, have you ever considered that the exit rowee maybe disabled in a manner likely to suggest them incapable of the task and that they are merely paying for the addition leg room?

Just so you understand where I'm coming from....I wrote this onboard a US Airways flight from Atlanta to Phoenix where the two ladies sitting on the exit row proclaimed upon boarding, "exit row coz we are so responsible right?" and laughed at the cosmic irony. I started to get nervous.

Once nicely buckled in they began a spirited conversation with the guy sitting closest to the door. Their first question was the obvious "so what have you been up to all day?"And this knight in shining armor responds out loud, “oh, I've been drinking all morning." More alcohol induced laughter. This Africana was in full panic mode at this point, throwing my $70 braided head about wondering if anyone else was noticing this insanity. My glance landed on the Steward standing RIGHT BESIDE THE SELF PROFESSED ALCOHOLIC. He smiled and ignored him. After all, the guy had said "yes" when asked if he was able to handle the emergency door if we swan dived into the Mojavi desert.

So basically, according to US Airways it is perfectly okay for a drunk man to be in charge of the exit door and inevitable my escape route in case this hunk of metal takes a nose dive. A drunk who talked over the barely audible Stewardess who sighed several times into the microphone while delivering the life saving address. This was all to much, I needed a destruction.

Wow, the clouds look beautiful from up here. Like cotton candy or soft pillow feathers. I feel like taking a nap. Unfortunately, the alcoholic has decided to engage the entire Coach cabin in his life story. Argh! There is nothing worse than a lippy drunk!

God, let's just land.

And we did....and I got a new bunch of folks in the exit row for my trip to Los Angeles. wait!? Why is it taking two people to find seat number 22F? Ah, that one lady is translating the boarding pass to the other lady. So one of these folks does not speak or read English? Okay, and she is parking her behind on the Exit row. Well, that is a sure boot off the exit row coz one of the questions that deserves a "YES" is are you able to read and understand English?

Wait a minute! Did that old lady just lie? WOW. So basically, when shit hits the fan we are gonna have to get her a translator to help her understand how to get us off the burning plane.

Really US Airways..

Friday, September 10, 2010

Palin, Lindsay and Castro, the consequence of inbreeding

All the world's stupidity can be blamed on IN BREEDING!

If the Judeo-Islamic-Christian mythology of creation is true, that we all sprang from the loins of point-the-finger Adam and I-wear-the-pants Eve, then people, we have/are severely inbreeding at this point. The current human DNA strain is very dilute, explaining the cause of all our global woes, from our assault on baby seals to global warming. Think about it. I mean, we’ve tried to save humanity by mixing up the races but some folks cannot be reasoned with.

Why else would the world be dealing with a squealing soccer mom who waves at Putin from her bedroom window in Alaska while successfully challenging the US Presidency?

Or a Pastor in the abyss of middle age, threatening to burn the Islamic Holy book.

What of Fidel Castro, once a champion of liberty, tossing Cuba into Dynastic rule?

And Mormons who are quicker to accept the canoodling of young, hyperventilating females to soul-less vampires or steroid popping werewolves (i.e The Twilight Series) than allow gay marriages?

And finally, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian aka the sex tape diva trio? - Never in the history of porn have performers gained so much with so little talent. Ms. Jameson gained her notoriety for actually being good at sex.


There ain’t enough people worth two cents to rub together to make a dollar.

Can we all send a plea to the White House to continuing funding the space program? Our very survival depends on it, coz it’s time to import some lizard people or green men from Mars to mate with the human population (or just the Mormons).

People, we need to do something to upgrade the species.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The "Caucasian" creation myth.

It just occurred to me that the creation story Caucasians spread around the world as their own, is actually the Hebrew creation myth. Adam and Eve were Hebrews. And for those anti-semites out there, sorry but Jesus is a Jew. Yes, I am talking to you Mel Gibson.

Just like I know the Luo, Kikuyu, Hebrew, Islamic etc creation myths I wonder, is there a Nordic or Aryan or Anglo creation myth? Do they have one? Anyone know?

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Catholic Church poisoning students?

How far would the Catholic church go to curb homosexuality?

The answer to this is another question.

What do Nuns, African girls and kerosene have in common?

I was recently informed that boarding schools in Kenya, most of which are run by the Catholic Church, had the habit of lacing students' food with kerosene hoping this would suppress their sexual urges. It was their way of curbing homosexual behavior in boarding schools.

I was at a Catholic girls boarding school from the ninth to the twelfth grade. If this allegation is true, then thousands of Kenyans, like myself, were subjected to at least four years of kerosene induced sexual repression without our consent.

I smell a lawsuit capable of breaking the very back of the Vatican and its strong hold in Africa. Something to think very strongly about.

Can anyone confirm this?

Alcohol Induced Fornication Anyone? No?

Skyy Infusion - $2.99 at Bevmo Online
Cherries - $0.59 a pound
2 drunk Babes - $0.00
Being subtle about it all - Priceless

I know that fluids laced with alcohol are notorious for instigating the unchecked flow of natural lubricants that inevitable lead one to desiring both the usual and the exotic of the opposite sex, but to have this general progression plastered on a giant billboard in the US is very ballsy for this sexually repressed culture.

I mean, wow! Alcohol induced fornication anyone? No?

Friday, August 13, 2010


There is an empty place within us where fear and failure collide and the light of love cannot penetrate. Tonight I looked into that place and its emptiness glared back into me. And in the dark of night, while the whole world slept, I cried.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Pre-Coital Agreement

And 3:43AM. We present a document that might help prevent all those unwanted pregnancies, baby mama dramas and the trapping of relatively sane people in loveless marriages for the sake of the baby.

DETOUR: The next person who calls a pregnancy "accidental" will get an ear full from me.

Penis + Vagina = Semen dispersement (Ejaculation) x Ovum ambush (Fertilization) = Fetus

A thing doing what it is designed to do is no accident, merely brilliant engineering!


WHEREAS, __________________________ (hereinafter referred to as Depositor”) and ______________________ (hereinafter referred to as “Receiver”) are currently pre-coital but wish to provide, prior to coitus, for a formal agreement ensuring that their separate lives will remain free from any claims arising out of the prospective coital relationship.

WHEREAS the Parties desire to contract with each other concerning matters of reproductive management during the term of their coital relationship and is intend to be a binding and enforceable pre-coital agreement and they understand and intend that the provisions of this Agreement shall prevail over the provisions of law or any jurisdiction that would apply in the absence of this Agreement.

A discussion regarding the use of protective gear must precede any disrobing.
I, ”Depositor” DO/DO NOT hereby consent to wear a silicone, lamb or plastic material over my member during coitus to provide an alternate receiver of my manly juices for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of “Receiver” ovum.

I, ”Receptor” do hereby consent to engaging in a coital relationship WITH/WITHOUT “Depositor” wearing a silicone, lamb or plastic material over Depositor’s member during coitus to provide an alternate receiver of his manly juices for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of my ovum with the understanding that “Depositor” is released from any and all parental involvement and responsibility (e.g. financial, emotional, spiritual, physical etc) in the life of my offspring in the event that my ovum is unwantedly fertilized.

Two Morning After Pills plus Instructions must be presented to Receiver pre-coital.

I, ”Depositor” DO hereby present “Receiver” with TWO MORNING AFTER PILLS (PLUS INSTRUCTIONS) to be consumed no more than 72 hours after completion of coital relationship for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of Receiver ovum.

I, ”Receiver” DO hereby confirm receipt of TWO MORNING AFTER PILLS (PLUS INSTRUCTIONS) which I choose to CONSUME/NOT CONSUME no more than 72 hours after the coital relationship for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of my ovum with the understanding that “Depositor” is released from any and all parental involvement and responsibility (e.g. financial, emotional, spiritual, physical etc) in the life of my offspring in the event that my ovum is unwantedly fertilized.

In the event that “Receiver” does not reach orgasm, this Agreement is to be considered null and void and “Receiver” is free to go after “Depositor” for everything, you selfish son of a bitch!

I, “Depositor” do hereby consent to relinquish all parental involvement and responsibility (e.g. financial, emotional, spiritual, physical etc) in the life of the offspring in the event that “Receiver’s” ovum is unwantedly fertilized, for the duration of my entire natural live plus fifty years.

The parties agree that each enters into this Agreement without any reservations or promises, though there may be some pressure or inducements, they have done so as their own free and voluntary act and deed.

If any disputes arise relative to the pre-coital agreement and the parties cannot resolve it, both parties agree that they will not result to guilt trips and idle threats.

This Agreement is binding and cannot be alterable by any custodians of the state, judicial or government entities without a mutual written Agreement signed by both Parties.

This Agreement may be executed in counterparts each of which when so executed and delivered shall be deemed to be an original and all of which together shall constitute but one and the same instrument.

Each and every provision hereof shall inure to the benefit of and shall be binding upon the heirs, assigns, personal representatives, and all successors in the interest of the parties.


Depositor Date

Receiver Date

*This Agreement is void if signed Post-Coital.
** Please make two copies.


Lets Talk About Sex

Why? Because Hannah Montana has discovered that she can do a lot more with those hips than jump on stage. She can shove them into a leotard and crotch-smothering tight jeans.


Parents the world over are having their pubescent daughters tare down their Hannah Montana posters to protest her recent MTV award fashion debacle. And that is all I want to say about that. Let’s get on to the sex part.

We all remember our teenage years when pimples and burning loins were commonplace. As if that wasn’t hard enough (no pun intended) the Hollywood, Bollywood and all the rest of the woods were over sexing everything. Everything had a sex angle. The type of beer you bought determined how many chicks you’d bang that night. You name it they attached a crotch to it. Hence the term “sex sells”.

Throw yourself into an 80s or 90s movie flashback. It was all about the human “Basic Instinct.” Sex came with a cheesy theme song, steamy windows, a foggy ambiance, delicious sweat trembling down toned, tanned caramel skin and fireworks that augmented the deep moans of rapture. Everyone having sex seemed to be having fun, as was implied by the post-coital glow, regardless of how “Fatal the Attraction”. They made it look like touching heaven. After one of those movies, you couldn’t wait to go out and get some. Sex was/is everywhere, even on Bugs Bunny. BUT, you were not allowed to mention it, let alone engage in it. Only loose girls and fast boys were allowed to touch heaven.

Can humanity be anymore sexually repressed than it already is? This morality stick has become ridiculous. Think about it. Africans, who spent the better part of the 20th century with tits and genitalia in the wind, are all covered up in batik or Kente cloth in a false sense of modesty. This s*$% ain’t right. And what the adults are doing to the teenagers should be punishable by death!

Adults, who really do run these “entertainment” industries, ram this stuff down the throats of hot-blooded teenagers then vilify them for shaving their heads and popping out babies with unknown backup dancers (hey. Britney?) They are confused. Wouldn’t you be? Feeling all these new feelings, being shown what to do with them, but being threatened with hell fire make the connection. Seriously, one is liable to turn to drugs when 1+1 is no longer 2.

Steal Plantations

You wake up every morning, wash yourself (hopefully), brush your teeth (probably), put some clothes on (definitely) and head out to a steel plantation where you slave for eight hours - minus the two fifteen minute and the one half hour lunch breaks you are legally allowed - to earn a small piece of paper with some numbers on it.
Upon receipt of this small piece of paper, you hop, skip and jump over to another steel plantation where you hand it over to a stranger, who is equally enslaved, who takes it and puts it someplace save with your number to identify it. You walk out believing it will be there when you need it.

You rush over to another steel plantation where you use a plastic card with more numbers on it to purchase food filled with high fructose corn syrup. This plastic card allows these plantations to take numbers from the small piece of paper that you were handed at your plantation, that you gave a stranger at another plantation to hold for you until you needed it. These numbers taken from your small piece of paper end up in other small pieces of paper handed to those people working in the plantations that grow the corn that makes the high fructose corn syrup.

This government approved high fructose corn syrup proceeds to burn a hole in your stomach causing extreme pain, forcing you to run off to another steel plantation where a doctor resides. The doctor asks if you have a separate plastic card with numbers that guarantee he’ll get a small piece of paper with numbers that he too can hand a stranger in another steel plantation to hold for him until he needs it. But you don’t have this card with the numbers that guarantee his small paper because the small piece of paper you were handed at your plantation does not have enough numbers to afford the separate card that has now become law.

So you return to your steel plantation and park yourself in front of a box, you bought with 50% of the numbers on your small piece of paper, to numb your sense while you wait for death to ease your pain.

And you had to go to college just to earn the right to this fallacy!

Monday, July 26, 2010


A couple of weeks ago, while driving home, something happened that caused me much reflection. While cruising down Highland, I came down to the point on Wilshire Boulevard where the two-lane street merges into one lane. This merging was not the result of “construction ahead” or “accident ahead” signs, but merely the way the road is constructed. Therefore everyone living in Los Angeles, everyone who takes that street knows that Highland turns into one lane at Wilshire Boulevard. But, as is to be expected where lanes merge, there are always those drivers who “pretend” to be oblivious of this merger going as far as ignoring all pertinent traffic signs to circumvent their selfishness. It was such a driver who screeched out of the left lane onto the merging lane with the intention of cutting in line.

Unbeknowst to Miss Speedy, she was on a collision course with an African on the verge of a spiritual awakening. She pulled up beside me and manipulatively (based on her motive I hesitate to call her request polite) begged, “could you let me in, (then the after-thought) please?” Translation, “I really don’t want to wait in line so I am hoping to guilt you into letting me cut in front of you”. I took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eyes and then it happened. That small voice within said, “African, be 100% truthful”. Guilt assuaged I calmly said “NO”. She gathered her guilt from my windshield and moved on to the next car.

Now, I know some of you are cringing because you have been taught to play NICE, but you know what, nice is not truth and truth is not always pretty. What if I had let her in while calling her names under my breath? Or better yet, let her in with a curse laced “God bless you” thrown in for good measure? (Come on Christians out there know what I mean. Some of you do it so often you owe God royalties). All that falsehood would do is re-enforce the hypocrisy that so often takes the place of truth. Truth, people, requires that one be honest with oneself first, and that day I wanted to go to bed with a guiltless conscious so my answer was NO.

What most people fail to realize about this situation is that I “honestly, truly did NOT want to let her in” and I truthfully let she and I know this. But there is an even deeper truth here - PARADIGM SHIFT MOMENT - By asking me she was open to either a yes OR no answer. Asking does not necessarily result in a YES response. NO should be just as acceptable. If you don’t understand this then here is a little exercise - bend a knee and toss up a prayer for a pony right now! See, even God says NO once in a while. In my book, there is nothing wrong with saying NO, but there is something wrong with being nice in an attempt to camouflage a truthful NO!

Question: What if she was a crazed woman with a gun? Then we would not be having this bloversation!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

No More Fuckeries!!!!!!

This is the inter-galactic response to the current humanoid insanity!!!

Earth and its inhabitants have been the topic of discussion at the Annual Inter Galactic Alliance Assembly meetings for the past two thousand years. There has been a general concern among the members of the Alliance that the human race is unleashing a tremendous amount of fuckery upon the Earth.

It is the opinion of all members of the Alliance, excluding Earthlings whose IQ levels are below Assembly standards, that these lower beings are not consuming bovines fast enough due to their preoccupation with fossil fuels and not the true culprit in their midst. The Neptians and Uranians are particularly peeved by the amount of methane gas being unleashed by the Earth dwelling bovines as the gaseous matter fogs up their planets every 150 days when Jupiter and Saturn step out of the way putting them in Earth's general direction.

After extensive debate the IGA passed the Fuckery Eradication Act by a 2 vote margin. This Act required the Martians, the only members with kick ass gadgets capable of annihilate the entire galaxy, and the Plutocrats, believers in diplomacy, to land on planet Earth and swiftly eradicate its gaseous problem. If the Plutocrats' diplomatic tactics proved insufficient the Martians were authorized to take over and wipe out the human race with their biological chemicals.

But the Jupitean Conglomerate threw their cloak into the debate. Fornicators and purveys of all things perverse, the Jupitean emissary stated "the time for diplomacy has long passed; there is no need for the Plutocrats in this battle. Reason must make way for much torture and physical dismemberment. That is good learning for underlings."  He received a great deal of hoorahs from his own kind. The Mercurians, known far-seers, looked into the future and saw the true intent of the Jupiteans and it was decided that their debauchery must not be exported beyond the borders of Pasiphae and Sinope, Jupiter's outermost moons.

After a six hundred year stalemate, a coin toss decided who would accompany the Martians, whose place on the ship no one dared debate. The Saturnians, spiritually superior snobs, wanted no part of this "kick the Earthlings ass campaign"! So, it came as no surprise that they won the coin toss.  

A few days later the IGA's convoy pointed their meteor like space craft towards their preferred landing pad on Earth, their pyramids at Manchu Pinchu, Peru. The whole operation hit a snug when, due to the Martians miscalculation of the earth's shift since their last visit, the convoy found itself descending upon a primitive tribe in the corn fields of Iowa, unleashing their entire cargo of biological chemicals. Needless to say, the disgruntled Saturnians were thoroughly unamused. Apparently the Martians had refused to ask for directions.

Current footage from Earth shows much vomiting and diarrhea. All things considered, the plan was half successful.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Post-Coital Backslide into Friendship.

Is it possible to ENJOY a passionate swapping of body fluids with another human being then swiftly regress back into the dark abyss of "just friends" where most never return?

If your answer is YES, then one of two things are true.
A) You are lying to the other human being or
B) You are lying to yourself.
Either way, you are a liar!

The swapping of body fluids is a very intimate experience. Think about it. You are taking INTO yourself fluids that have traveled through someone else entire body and been imprinted with their biological and psychological signature aka DNA. This "other" signature then merges with your own fluids to travel through your entire body altering, even if for just one nano second, your signature. That is deep. No pun intended.

Short of rape, it takes a great deal of mutual chemical stimulation and physical proximity to induce the disrobing process that allows for coitus. Both pairs of eyes must be aroused through optical stimulation, which in turn sends positive charges to the brains synapses alerting them to prepare for sexual warfare. The message gets adrenaline flowing as the heart gets over eager pumping at xxx bpm with anticipation.

Overwhelmed with euphoria, blood is expelled from the kardia traveling to the reproduction organs tenderizing the nerve endings that will be on the frontlines of the battle. The nerve endings, pregnant with blood and bursting at the linings, beg for release and nature takes over to provide repose. Disrobing quickly follows in an attempt to alleviate the sudden increase in body temperatures. The feminine legs involuntarily part to present the labia-guarded-cool-oasis that is the vagina to the overheated, taut and throbbing penis. Coitus!

So how one can believe oneself as having successful backslid from that coital experience into the black hole of “just friends” in under an hour is beyond me.

Self-deception is an annoying habit. Break it!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Sex and the City 2 - a manolo blahnik kick in the groin

I watched Sex and the City 2 a couple of weeks ago and I must say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, though it was sillier than I thought it would be.

Why don’t I just skip over the opening ten minute of gay nuptials that included a strange gay chorus belting only-God-knows-what and a stranger than strange Beyonce aka "Single Ladies" homage by Liza Minnelli (seriously, I didn't think she was going to make it. I mean, it was touch and go there for a minute.) In fact, why don't I just skip EVERYTHING that happened in New York; Carrie bored at home, the nanny with the pointy boobs, Miranda taking forever to realize her boss is a sexist, Carrie threatened by another woman, Samantha self medicating into hyper-horniness, Carrie bored at home yet again, take out food, Charlotte paranoid about the nanny with the pointy boobs, the TV in the bedroom, you get the drift, FLUFF.

Let’s start in Abu Dhabi where things got a little interesting for me. Here we were in Abu Dabi, capital of the Emirates and the cultural contradictions were coming at you like a sprinter with gas to a toilet. The first fifteen minutes were a political activists wet dream; the sexily glad Western women juxtaposed with the *abaya covered Arab women. The poor immigrant servants spending months away from the families juxtaposed with the spoiled wealthy Western tourists who forget to dismiss them for the night. The liberated and outspoken “I am woman!” gals of New York juxtaposed with the “rigid and repressed” Emirates women whose husbands cover their eyes to protect them from western debauchery. I was SUPER exited to see this. Sex and the City ACTUALLY liberated its emasculated balls and ejaculated something other than opulence: clothes, cars, wealth, sex, gorgeous guys, all were in obscene supply by the way.

Then came the huge street battle thanks to Samantha and her oversexed self and the ladies in the abayas came to the rescue, shuffling our sisters into a store front or backroom, not quite sure which but it was pretty quaint. I thought here we go, a moment of shared sisterhood. What, if anything in the way of wisdom, would the Emirate sisters impart to our 4 gals from the city? What followed made my jaw hit the floor.

Here, when Carrie need to understand something about boredom and married, when Miranda was learning to stand up for herself, when Charlotte was learning that motherhood is not a veil that covers the rest of a woman’s life, when Samantha was learning that her vagina is not a commodity on the stock exchange, what did the director choose to do? He reduced the Emirate sisters to their under garments! Yes, people. The movie did a two-step, flipped over and stood on its head. The near lynching outside was forgotten, because after all that material is too heavy for the American audience to lift. It turned into fast food all the way as the ladies revealed that underneath the sweat black cloak they each one a part of the fall collection. Who cares what they were concealing this was a film women discovering themselves and walking in that discovery.

But the bigger question here was why? Did Sex and the City producers realize that by showing all these contradictions they were biting off more than they could chew? Or was it the realization that their audience probably didn’t want to deal with the material? I think the latter, so they gave us a comfortable end.

That said, when you really think about it, there was NO reason whatsoever that this film had to be in Abu Dhabi. If they had addressed the contradictions yes, but the location in no way moved the story forward. All the shit, including Hayden’s kiss could have gone down in death-valley or New Mexico for all we care.

* I will take this moment to say this. Compared to other Arab nations, Abu Dahbi’s dress code for women is pretty “lax”. But the reason I find this worth mentioning is because it is the producers of this film who made this an issue by having the lead, Carrie fixate on and make commentary about a woman in an abaya. Then they failed to give the subject the respect it deserved and simply swept it under the rug and ran out of the room. Simplify: If you can’t handle a subject matter, then don’t introduce it in your film at all.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Please set your bible off my uterus.



I did not even finish reading this mess!

Look, wayyyy back in the day marriage consisted of the scrotum holder's father sending out a slave, probably a negro thanks to Noah, to the village of a distant relative for the sole purpose of procuring a wife for his son. Upon arrival, whichever uterine bearer got to the well first and offered the goggling stranger a drink of water and some for his camel was gathered off to meet the man she would marry. Upon arrival at future home, eyes would lock and the intended scrotum holder would whisk, the now betrothed uterine bearer away to his tent made of camel hide and proceed to awkwardly maneuver his penis into her vagina until he had successfully slayed the hymen. The said uterine bearer would never be referred to again unless she did something un-biblical like say I don't know, throw sheep's wool over the shoulder of her younger son so he could get his father's blessing, a blessing that was intended for her older Esau.

Fast forward to now, most fathers are either physically or emotionally absent meaning no one is sending out the negro, meaning no uterine bearer is at the well, in fact, a uterine bearer can't find the damn well since Haliburton done paved over the damn thing with the uterine bearer's taxes and erected a shopping mall instead. Since there is no well, all the camels are dead and the negro is riding a beat up 64 that the uterine bearer will not look at twice. Furthermore, upon arrival, the negro might want to mount the uterine bearer himself and thus defiling her, making her unworthy for the master's son. Meaning, the scrotum holder has to adjust to the uterine bearer absence by buying dolls with open mouths or memberships to naked lady sites, and the uterine bearer has to freeze her eggs coz she doesn't know when the tube of vaseline will run out so the scrotum holder can come out and fertilizer them. That is the reality of today.

So freeze them eggs uterine bearer coz the scrotum holder might have an extra tube of vaseline ready and waiting. And the only people allowed to comment on your decision are those who actively participated in your fruitless search to find a mate.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Revelation on The Book of Revelation

Holy Rollers often shake with orgasmic- opps- rapture like anticipation, while heathens piss their pants in fear at the mere mention of The Book of Revelation. All this in response to the content of this book which most perceive as a post-it on things to come and few as the doodling of a psychotic. But I have come to look at this book for an entirely new perspective. A perspective largely based on its placing in the bible.

When one reads, looks, browses or hears Biblical content one realizes pretty much after the Garden of Eden debacle, that Parental disappointment and offspring redemption are a foot. The Hebrews and/or mankind are doomed to spend the length of the remaining 65 3/4 books trying to make Dad proud of them/us again. This is clearly a case of art imitating life for anyone from a dysfunctional family where children are forever trying to win parental approval.

In the Bible, the Hebrews wade through the Red Sea after spending centuries as slaves in Egypt only to be smote on Mt. Sinai for worshipping a calf. They then proceed to wander aimlessly in the desert for forty years only to meet the Philistines en-route to the promised land. From Judges to Malachi it is an endless tale of destruction, battles, curses and divine disappointment. After years of just being human and failed attempts at quelling the daddy complex hope springs eternal with the New Testament Gospel's presentation of the great liberator, the Christ, who is swiftly crucified because of a misunderstanding of the Messiah’s job description. Off we head into the Acts of the Apostles where martyrs and massacres by deranged Cesar abound. Let me stop here and bust your Anti-Christ bubble with this fact: Based on the alphanumeric nature of ancient languages 666 is not numbers but letters to a name. And it spells the name Cesar Nero. So to all the Adolf Hitler or Ronald Regan or Barack Obama accusers, you are all wrong.

Moving on. So, we are created, we sin, some of us are smooted, the rest sent away to wander the desert where they are dispersed into the four corners of the wind, crying as they march from their ancestral homelands into a life of subjugation by the Romans, only to have their hope dashed when the much prophesied Messiah shows up and refuse to fight. He leaves behind some words of wisdom as he floats up in a cloud only to return long enough to blind one of their most dedicated persecutors who ends up being the most prolific of the bible Dos and Don’ts writers. And just so you do not forget the seriousness of the human fall laid out in the 65 books or the need for redemption or the importance of the Messiah’s sacrifice, the book ends with a warning -The Book Of Revelation aka "If you dare trivialize the importance of getting Daddy’s favor or the sacrifice of His son you will be eternally smote in a lake of burning lava, so GET TO GENUFLECTING!!!" {Genuflect – to lower one’s body briefly by bending one knee to the ground, typically in worship or as a sign of respect e.g. she genuflected and crossed herself. There is a double-entendre if I ever saw one. (Double-entendre – a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one which is usually risqué or indecent)}.

Why has no one ever asked this one question - Why is The Book of Revelation the last book? I mean, that is a seriously loaded question which opens up the veritable Pandora's box (not the planet in Avatar, that was a good place, a special place). If you look at if from that perspective you realize that the Book Of Revelation is not a period at the end of this longwinded sentence but a bold exclamation mark. Its contents scare you into believing everything you have just read and forces you to take the preceding pages VERY seriously. If you fail to see this, you fail to see the entire genius of this book. The placing of The Book of Revelation at the end of the bible is proof it is a collection of writings designed by man to control man because it plays on man’s psyche perfectly.

There is no difference between this book and say an African folktale or a threatening email chain. They all leave the profound, “if you don’t do this then this terrible thing will happen to you” consequential message for the end. If you do not accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and be in right standing with God the Father you will still have your clothes on at the rapture. Yes, you will not be one of the lucky, naked few floating past the earth’s exosphere with their particulars chilling (double entendre) in the wind. You, my dear, will be left behind to gnash your teeth and contend with the Anti-Christ for 100 years and if you succeed, Jesus just might recognize you at heaven’s gates. Of course if you are a Jehovah’s Witness you are buying into an even more confusing tale seeing as only 144,000 will make it into heaven. The remaining 6,856,000? They will be stroking baby lions in the new earth. I won’t even touch the Mormons. Coming to think of it, until the 1978 they wouldn’t have touched me either.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

AVATAR: Happily Ever After...hmmmm maybe not.

Sitting at a desk on a TV lot waiting for the rest of my life to catch up I reached over for the Daily Variety to alleviate my boredom. On the front cover was a picture from the movie Avatar with Jake’s Avatar riding a banshee while holding a serious looking machine-gun. This picture is worth a thousand words. In its simplicity, it depicts the future of the Navi people.

Almost three hours into the film the humans are deported off the planet but did anyone notice them leaving with their equipment? No, meaning those materials have been left behind. This billion dollar tale more than celebrates the love of nature over material it also brings to light the age old predicament faced by indigenous people the world over, the introduction of violent modern technology into their “backward” world. But weapons are not all that was left behind, the invasion and threat posed by the humans also unleashed a new level of rage among the indigenous Navi people. So now the indigenous population is not only pissed off but they also have access to deadlier weapons of precise destruction.

It is undeniable that something inevitable happens to the indigenous person when their way of live is threatened. Their desire to survive is awakened. And since their way is often violently threatened by those who are technologically superior, the indigenous have to quickly learn their enemy’s art of war in order to maintain their way of life. Their response too must be violent. In that one act, that one response to aggression, they regress into the very thing they fight.

So tell me, once the invaders leave how will the indigenous curb this new level of rage secreted within their soul or fight the temptation to use these new weapons if threaten again? Does having the marine fall in love with the Princess while fucking the tribe seem like a viable solution? Not for the tribe, they are still fucked, and only the Princess and Marines are enjoying it. See, transforming the “civilized marine” into the way of the “uncivilized Navi” elevates the marine by subduing his need for aggression. But by exposing the Navi to the ways of the marine, in some ways you have relegated the Navi by creating a wound of regression.

Once the credits roll, we need to think beyond the victory of the Navi. We need to ponder what conquering indigenous, “backward” peoples with technologically advanced weapons means to the human species? A look back at our history will provide the answers. What did the introduction of guns mean to the indigenous peoples of Africa? In summary, an increase in the slave trade, colonialism, brutal long civil wars, dictatorships, rapes, famine, death and destruction etc. What did they mean to the Native peoples of the Americas? If you can find one, ask them for me.

It is easy to romanticize or long for Pandora, easy to celebrate the Navi prior to the battle, but will the Navi and Pandora ever be the same after its encounter with humans? Does the realization that there are those who wish to destroy the tranquility they hold dear make the Navi more suspicious, less welcoming and thereby less Navi? Isn’t that the transformation that took place in the hearts of the Native peoples of the Americas? An Indigenous person, no matter how noble a savage, is eventually transformed by the forces that cross his/her path. In the case of the Navi, the forces were violent and materialistic. After the loss they suffered and the weapons they learned to use, the Navi will forever be struggling with the more violent nature awoken in them.

So, for those people out there contemplating suicide because Pandora is unattainable, all I can say is if you are a “civilized mind”, you make Pandora unattainable.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Sex and the City - a backhanded assault

So I find myself meditating on the phenomenon that is Sex and the City. Whereas I love the Carrie Bradshaw character I feel women are too carried away by the adorable charm that drapes perfectly over her proliferating idiocy. Why, after almost a decade of its existence do I choose now to comment on this slice of Americana? Because I am bored and boredom stimulates my need-to-offer a critique on popular culture.

I will admit to being a fan of the "sisterhood" idea that the show promotes, even though it is widely known that women are their own worst enemies. But what I am not a fan of is these women's misperceptions, interactions and expectations of themselves in relationship to men. Their lack of self-esteem is so thinly camouflaged with success, fashion or sex and their low sense of self-worth is best exemplified in Carrie's choice of a suitable mate. The very idea that a Mr. Big is worth more than an Aidan paints this woman with a "sand castle in the sky" hue. In this Carrie reality women are prone to putting emotion over reason and cents over common sense.

But by far the most damaging effect of this poor assessment of the female psyche is Carrie’s depiction of that age old belief that if a woman loves a bad boy long enough she can "CHANGE" him. It may take ten years, make you the “other woman” and cost you the love of a better man but it is more important to “CONQUER” the one that got away than being with the one who loves you. [When I speak of love I speak of acts not feelings.]

You want to know why good guys finish last? Coz this is what good girls are watching. I hope that the female's self perception is not too coloured but what straight men "want" from women or how gay men "see" women?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Inevitable Expression of Human Duality

There is a syndrome rampant in modern America that is slowly spreading throughout Christiandom, the deification of men. Too often an athlete, entertainer or political figure exuding excellence in their field finds himself augmented to the post of a demi-god where all perfection is expected and all imperfections, part of the nature and character of man, dejected. The elevators erase from the demi-god any and all traces of "fault", thereby denying the demi-god permission to their own humanness. Instead of embracing the dual wholeness of one-self, the demi-god either feels shame from autophobia or arrogance from narcissism.

But what must be understood is that man's true character cannot be denied and will find a way to express the duality of its nature. Virtues will be expressed and vices will fight repression. Sooner of later the demons hidden behind the thin veil of perfection, in the presence of ample temptation, will be illuminated. All that will be needed is the right catalyst to bring about the diametric opposite of the celebrated virtuous one.

This is the story of Tiger Woods and all others who have been judged before and after him. No man is perfect. All men must be allowed to express the entire spectrum of their humanness. Thanks to Pandora or Eve, women seem to garner more interesting responses when their "wickedness" surfaces. In some cases her downfall augments her sex appeal. In others, she becomes the damsel in need of rescue, judged harshly only by those who do not understand the "fragile" nature of the weaker sex. This too is laughable and a slight to the beauty in the duality of human nature.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Race - why doesn't anyone bother to ask why we use the word “race” to identify humans when the term basically connotes competition? 

American Dream - why “dream” when the very word conjures the unattainable? I dream that I float through space sans space suit but the law of gravity and my need of oxygen let me know that will never happen. 

Political Correctness - isn’t this nothing more than politically endorsed, self-censorship and thereby a violation of the First Amendment?