And finally...at 3:43AM. We present a document that might help prevent all those unwanted pregnancies, baby mama dramas and the trapping of relatively sane people in loveless marriages for the sake of the baby.
DETOUR: The next person who calls a pregnancy "accidental" will get an ear full from me.
Penis + Vagina = Semen dispersement (Ejaculation) x Ovum ambush (Fertilization) = Fetus
A thing doing what it is designed to do is no accident, merely brilliant engineering!
WHEREAS, __________________________ (hereinafter referred to as Depositor”) and ______________________ (hereinafter referred to as “Receiver”) are currently pre-coital but wish to provide, prior to coitus, for a formal agreement ensuring that their separate lives will remain free from any claims arising out of the prospective coital relationship.
WHEREAS the Parties desire to contract with each other concerning matters of reproductive management during the term of their coital relationship and is intend to be a binding and enforceable pre-coital agreement and they understand and intend that the provisions of this Agreement shall prevail over the provisions of law or any jurisdiction that would apply in the absence of this Agreement.
1. CONDOM USE
A discussion regarding the use of protective gear must precede any disrobing.
I, ”Depositor” DO/DO NOT hereby consent to wear a silicone, lamb or plastic material over my member during coitus to provide an alternate receiver of my manly juices for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of “Receiver” ovum.
I, ”Receptor” do hereby consent to engaging in a coital relationship WITH/WITHOUT “Depositor” wearing a silicone, lamb or plastic material over Depositor’s member during coitus to provide an alternate receiver of his manly juices for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of my ovum with the understanding that “Depositor” is released from any and all parental involvement and responsibility (e.g. financial, emotional, spiritual, physical etc) in the life of my offspring in the event that my ovum is unwantedly fertilized.
2. MORNING AFTER PILL
Two Morning After Pills plus Instructions must be presented to Receiver pre-coital.
I, ”Depositor” DO hereby present “Receiver” with TWO MORNING AFTER PILLS (PLUS INSTRUCTIONS) to be consumed no more than 72 hours after completion of coital relationship for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of Receiver ovum.
I, ”Receiver” DO hereby confirm receipt of TWO MORNING AFTER PILLS (PLUS INSTRUCTIONS) which I choose to CONSUME/NOT CONSUME no more than 72 hours after the coital relationship for the sole purpose of preventing the unwanted fertilization of my ovum with the understanding that “Depositor” is released from any and all parental involvement and responsibility (e.g. financial, emotional, spiritual, physical etc) in the life of my offspring in the event that my ovum is unwantedly fertilized.
3. LOOP HOLE
In the event that “Receiver” does not reach orgasm, this Agreement is to be considered null and void and “Receiver” is free to go after “Depositor” for everything, you selfish son of a bitch!
4. NO INVOLVEMENT FOREVER
I, “Depositor” do hereby consent to relinquish all parental involvement and responsibility (e.g. financial, emotional, spiritual, physical etc) in the life of the offspring in the event that “Receiver’s” ovum is unwantedly fertilized, for the duration of my entire natural live plus fifty years.
5. AGREEMENT EXECUTED AS OWN FREE WILL
The parties agree that each enters into this Agreement without any reservations or promises, though there may be some pressure or inducements, they have done so as their own free and voluntary act and deed.
6. GUILT TRIPS & IDLE THREATS
If any disputes arise relative to the pre-coital agreement and the parties cannot resolve it, both parties agree that they will not result to guilt trips and idle threats.
This Agreement is binding and cannot be alterable by any custodians of the state, judicial or government entities without a mutual written Agreement signed by both Parties.
8. EXECUTION IN COUNTERPARTS
This Agreement may be executed in counterparts each of which when so executed and delivered shall be deemed to be an original and all of which together shall constitute but one and the same instrument.
9. BINDING ON SUCCESSORS
Each and every provision hereof shall inure to the benefit of and shall be binding upon the heirs, assigns, personal representatives, and all successors in the interest of the parties.
*This Agreement is void if signed Post-Coital.
** Please make two copies.
4:02AM - I THINK I HAVE EARNED SOME SLEEP NOW