Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Letter to BFF on FB

--> Dear BFF on FB?

It pains me to send this note to you but I am beginning to feel VERY undervalued.  I noticed you have 859 friends! In all the 25 years we have know each other, I have only seen you with the same 25 people. Think I'm kidding? check your wedding pics, THE SAME 25 PEOPLE! So was there a 10 for 1 sale on friends that I missed? I'm like totally pissed right now, I could blow a nerve in my eyeball or something.

I have been your best friend since we met in kindergarten when I rescued you from Sammy "Bogger" Kapinski's snort attack. Except for the 4 year college thing we have always been inseparable. And I doubt that in those 4 years you could have made 859 friends, not that you are boring or anything but 859! That would be like a world record anywhere. Besides, you were home every weekend anyway, so I know there were no 859 people banging at your door to be friends, coz if there were, I wouldn't have been holding your hair  every time you puked at that dingy club we loved back in 07. And BTW, I never told you this, but you missed the toilet bowl by like a lot, every time.

 And what about all those miles I put on my vehicle to drive down to San Diego every weekend while you were pregnant just so I could break bread with the family? Or the rides from the airport to the valley at 11:30pm on a Tuesday when you know Wednesdays are hell for me!? And if you have 859 friends, why am I still the emergency contact on your cell, for 10 years running? Explain that to me. Why am I the one you call when the sitter has Bronchitis and you and T**** totally need a shug night. Coz I am legit!

 I have earned your friendship, but when I look on your page, my name is not even on the first page on your friends list, the freaking thing never defaults to me and I have ALWAYS been there. And who is this Angela Avernasian? She is always upfront and center with that bright "I-bleach-my-teeth" white smile. (Seriously, who is her dentist? Can you check for me? Thx). What did Ms. Avernasian have to do to get on the first page? Meet you at a Hollywood mixer and hand you her email address? Is that what qualifies her to daily updates on lil T**** whom I have baby sat on numerous occasions? I don't remember her being there when P*** damped you for some exchange student and we super glued her books to the desk? (What was the bitch's name? She needed Avernasian's dentist more than I do...LOL). See, we share memories, what do you share with Ms. Avernasian? A gynecologist? Did she give you a kidney? Is that what qualifies her to see your vacation pics with T*** (Girl, that diet is totally working, I told you it would.) Did she drive you cross country coz you just had to follow Springsteen on tour! NOPE, THAT WAS ME!  So what qualifies her to know what is on your mind, the same time I do?

You used to call me and we'd talk for hours, now all I get is status updates. LAME!

Oh shoot, gotta get invisible on here, there is this guy who is totaling stalking me on FB. He's cute but way too eager.

From your REAL BFF.

P.S. Super drank right now...wait, that's you calling me..

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